Shopgirl (From my uni column)

Working in a shop is not the most glamorous job, but it does provide quite the worldly insight. A mass throng of consumer need - old, young, smart, (very) casual, brought together by the need to fill a void. Endless customers all merging into one, each fading into insignificance by the time I’ve asked for the 633rd time, ‘Who’s next?’ An abrupt alert that it’s busy and I’m waiting, scanner in hand, ready to ‘beep’ our items into your possession. That’s right, the ‘beep’ holds the power, and I hold the power to ‘beep’.

I reckon there is a lot to be said about a man’s choice of sandwich. The Spanish get tapas, the Japanese get sushi; we get soggy bread and limp lettuce. There are the workingmen who have no shame in grabbing multiple ‘deep-fill’ beasts in order to satisfy their rumbling guts. Size six ladies that spend ten minutes picking up every sandwich to analyse its calorie content before deciding that Dr Atkins won’t allow any, much to the despair of Mr Kingsmill. It’s hard not to be enticed by Mrs ‘Chicken Tikka,’ or the cardinal sin of sandwiches: Sir ‘All Day Breakfast’. He’s King of the Cob.

Then there is the joy of the uniform. Admittedly, I’ve had to wear worse outfits (Bad Taste fancy dress springs to mind) but the attractive black and purple stripes just do NOT do any good for anybody, despite the fact that my latest copy of Elle tells me that purple is soon to be the colour of choice. To be fair, the number of you lot that happily stroll in on a Saturday morning in your pyjamas does make me realise I have nothing to worry about. I think a touch of Balenciaga would be kinda lost on the majority of the Loughborough student population who live in Jack Wills hoodies and Trackie B’s. Lovely.

Customers are quite depressing in their impatience to receive the ‘beep’ and be on their way. Few even register my face. I am nil but holder of the ‘beep’. I may receive a begrudging ‘grunt’ in response to my cheery ‘hello’, which admittedly becomes less cheery as I realise that it’s the ‘beep’ and not me that they want to hear. Transaction etiquette is amusing: you can be rude, but I have to smile in spite of this. I may have the power to ‘beep’, but the customer is always right. Even when you are wrong. So I smile and say thank you as the ‘beep’ lets you leave. What I really want to say is ‘Beep’ Off.